UP, UP and AWAY

So this is my 3rd post in a row about Mason...but its that time of year...that he weighs on our heart strings.

Since moving to the BeeHive state...no one here knows our Mason story...one day while jogging with a friend, Jennifer, she asked what we do special on Mason's day of passing.

I thought of years past, when my whole extended family met in Quitman for Labor Day weekend and remembered his last day on earth. We would all gather at the grave, sing I am a Child of God, and let balloons off. The little cousins all loved it. We told them how the balloons rising in the air represent how Mason's spirit too rose that day too to return to our Father in Heaven. And how even though we can't see the balloons anymore...they are still there. Same for Mason, we can't see him anymore...but HE is stilll HERE.

I told her truthfully how I don't love going to his grave. It brings me great sadness. His gravestone is weathering, I always get sticker burs in my feet, sometimes ant bites...but overall just a raw feeling of despair. I try not to remember the haunting images...but I can't help it when I stand over his grave. I know it is sacred ground...my father dedicated it to be so....but I don't feel HIM there.

So this year was different...no grave to go to...no extended family to gather round. I really racked my tiny brain on what we could do this year. It was a Tuesday. Matt came home early from work...we packed a picnic (ok truth be told...we bought a picnic)...picked up balloons and headed to the mountains by our house. We drove as high as we could (I was car sick by this point with all the switch backs). We hiked to the tippy tippy top of the tallest mountain we could find.

The view was incredible. 360 degrees of mother nature. We could see past the valley at the expanse of the Great Salt Lake...we could see the rugged terrain below...we could see the Bountiful temple off to the south.

We ate our food while taking in the view. The girls ran and picked wild flowers. Then we sang our song and let our balloons fly. They soared higher than they ever have before. It felt if we were closer to heaven too. We had 9 blue balloons tied together to represent each year of his passing. Then we each let off an individual balloon. Avery even surprised us by not cyring when she let hers soar. She even tried to take mine from me and release it.

After we couldn't see the blue and red specs...Ri-Ri who is always thinking...said "What is Mason going to do with all those balloons."

My heart swelled at the thought of poor Mason in heaven with the hundreds of balloons he has received over the past 9 years. He also got some from his Texas cousins that day. They even wrote a special note.

This dear friend, who was thoughtful enough to ask about Mason and our traditions also delivered an awesome gift. She brought over the most fabulous birthday cake stand, candle holders and cute table runner. She wanted to bring cheer to our dark day. And I know it is a celebration too of sorts for him. The day he returned to Heaven.

My friend Jen, knows all too well the pain of an early good-bye.

But we also can't forget another reason to pause, reflect and celebrate on that day...the birth of my sweet sister who "Smells good". That nickname was given to her by the our youngest sister, Lauren. She came up with some real zingers...like "Missy, you look good from here up" (pointing at my neck).

Happy Birthday sis, we ate the most delish cupcakes in your honor.

And here's a flash back pic for you...of you and MTV on another birthday celebratioin. I enjoyed looking back at old pics and seeing how much time you would spend coming to Kingwood to visit and hang out with MTV. Thats why she loves you so much. Wish you could do that now.

The DAY

Who: Mom and Mason
What: Not sleeping
When: Wee hours of Friday September 1, 2000
Where : Texas Children's Hospital
Why: Mason was sick

Thursday night and wee hours of Friday morning.
Me: Paging nurses several times that night. "Something is not right. He is in pain. He is struggling."
Nurses: Checks his heart. "He seems okay...maybe his tummy hurts and he needs a BM."
Me: " He has a fatal heart condition...he is NOT OK. He keeps throwing his head side to side and crying."
Nurses: "We will check on him later"

7am Friday morning.
New set of nursing staff comes on.
New Nurse comes to check on him
New Nurse: "Mrs. we need you to leave the room. Your baby is in heart failure. We need some space"
Me: rush to get out of jammies and call hubby. "GET HERE QUICK MASON IS FAILING!!!!"
Hubby: Racing to drop MTV off at a friends and get here ASAP.
Me: Call my Dad who is driving to a meeting. He is on the road somewhere between Houston and Dallas. "Dad, they have kicked me out of the room. It is full with doctors and nurses rushing around. They said he is in heart failure....but don't worry they are ready for him this time. They have the shock paddles in position if they need it."

Mason is transfered to the PICU for on the clock observation.
Me: Surprised to see my Dad walk in the hospital doors just 2 hours after I called. I know it was the Spirit whispering to him that I needed him there.
Hubby: Getting sick with fever and flu like symptoms has to leave the hospital for fear of spreading it to Mason.

Sometime that afternoon...Mason is still failing. His heart is way enlarged...His organs are swelling.
Me: Go to the milk bank to pump. Overly engorged from a baby who hadn't eaten in days. Return from the milk bank to find my Dad outside the PICU with tears in his eyes.
Dad: With shaky quivering voice "Mason has coded...they asked me to leave...they are working on him now...his heart surgeon is in there too.
Me: Thinking don't give up now...you are a fighter....you have survived worse. Fight Mason Fight!
Dad: Calls Mom who is picking up my 2 sisters...one in Tyler and one in Dallas. You see it was my sisters 25th birthday that day and we were all gathering in Houston since I couldn't leave with a sick baby. "Hurry he is not doing well"
Mom: driving like crazy that 4 hours it took to get there.


Minutes later
Surgeon: We have him stabilized for now...but he will code again. He is too weak for surgery to see what is going on. We will have to do an ultrasound and see if we can see anything.
Me: trying to call hubby and tell him what has happened. Can't reach him. He is sick in bed.
Me: Calling neighbors and ward members to find someone who can go beat on the door and WAKE him up. He needs to be here.
Hubby: Finally awakes...loads up on meds...says a prayer and heads to the hospital (1 hour away)

Later. After several tests determine Mason's holes in heart has closed up and needs a heart cath to see if they can insert a blade and cut the hole back open. This would relieve the pressure on his expanding heart.
Me: Signing all the documents. Signing all the risks..."even death". But what choice did we have.
Dad: Still by my side...giving me all the support I needed.
Hubby: Finally arrives.
Mom, and sisters: finally arrive as they are prepping him for the procedure.
Brother Mike arrives too to be by our side.

Our family gathers to give Mason a priesthood blessing before he enters the operating room.
Me and hubby: walk as far as we can with Mason before watching him enter the room.
Our family escorted to a private waiting room outside the operating room
Tears and fears. Fears and tears.

An hours passes and we are waiting with our pager to be notified how the surgery is going.
5 more minutes pass...5 more minutes pass. Still no call.
We see head cardiologists sprinting by us into the operating room.
Me: My heart sinks...this can't be good. "Please don't let him die...he is going to survive this"

Minutes which seem like hours later
Cardiologist : "Masons heart stopped the moment we got the blade next to his heart wall. We have been trying to revive him for the last 30 minutes. We have a very faint beat and we will continue to try until there is nothing left"
Me: lay me head back "NOT NOW...GOD not now...keep trying"

Minutes later
2 Cadiologists walk out with sweat soaked scrubs: "He is GONE...he is gone."
Me: shock, disbelief, utter despair.
Me: embraced in the arms of those who love me most...My hubby...my parents...my sisters.

Quiet Reverence we walk back to his hospital room where they will let us be alone with him.
Again my family gathers as hubby admonishes his last blessing upon our sons head.
The spirit may have been gone from that frail body...but it surrounded us in that blessing.

Hubby and I were able to hold him for a long while and tell him every last thing we wanted.
I wiped his cheeks...wiped his nose and held his hand one last time.

We left..leaving him in the care of my mother. She stayed until the end...until the nurses were done with everything they needed. Until the funeral home came to pick up Mason.

I don't remember a word being uttered as hubby and I made that long drive home in the rain.
We arrived home and drove several times around the block...waiting for my brother to arrive with our only child left. We needed her there...we couldn't enter our house with empty arms.

We carried her in and laid her in our bed. We surrounded her and slept all night cradled with her in between. We needed her healing power. We needed to know that she still needed us as parents.

The sun rose the next morning as it always does. The Lord put earthly angels along my path that day. We awoke to a house fill with food for church members, the sound of a neighbor mowing our lawn, our bishop coming the first thing in the morning to minister to us, the neighbors who delieverd flowers and goodies for MTV.

We dressed and went to the newly opened Houston Texas Temple. We needed to feel God's love and try to understand His plan. We needed to go to where we could be reminded of our eternal sealing power for our family. Where we could feel the truth that Families are Forever no matter how early a loved one departs.

The events of that dreadful day will never leave my mind...but I know the Lord sent tender mercies that day too. To have a husband worthy to lay heads on my son's head at a moments notice. A father who listened to the Spirit and returned back to Houston to be by my side. A mother and sisters who already had travel plans to come to Houston to be by my side. A brother who could be there too and his wife to take care of our daughter.

Mason, this was the events of the day that lead you back to our Father in Heaven. Where we know that we will someday be reunited. And what a glorious day that will be.
Until we meet again.