A Decade Ago

Top 10 Things I Miss About Mason

1. His SMILE that could not be contained.
2. His sweet baby SMELL.
3. His FIGHT to live.  His FIGHT to baffle the medical world.
4. His INNONCENCE.  Pure and simple.
5. His DESIRE to be my son.  His choice to be born to us 2 lucky parents.
6. His STRENGTH to bear his burdens.
7. His BALD basketball shaped head.
8. His ability to make everyone who met him BELIEVE in MIRACLES.
9. His CHARM..  He drew so many people close to him.
10. His ETERNAL BOND...that gives us the desire to be with him again someday.

Its been 10 LONG years ago since my little Mason was called back to our Heavenly Father.  I wish I could tell you that I willingly gave him back...but I didn't.  I did resolve myself to accept His plan...but it was a internal fight.  My head knew this was Mason's eternal plan but my heart had a hard time accepting it.  Some how I figured if I had enough FAITH that I could control the will of the Lord.  So I blamed myself for not having enough FAITH.  Some how it must have been my fault.  But I have grown to realize that my FAITH was not going to save my son...but it had to save ME from myself.  I had to have FAITH that I was strong enough to endure a lifetime of grief.  And I found that it was possible only with the help of my Savior. 

There are times I experience that raw grief that encompassed me in the beginning.  Sometimes I even allow myself to go there.  This year as the weeks were approaching his anniversary of his passing, I promised  myself that I was not going to dwell on the pain of his death...but focus on his life, focus on the eternal perspective that I have gained.  So I took myself to the temple as many times as I could in those few weeks.  I knew that in that Holy temple is where I could feel a deeper connection.  Where I could feel the comfort of what a FOREVER family means.  It is where I also realized the unique relationship I now have with Mason.  I know he is busy in the spirit world teaching all he can of the truthfulness of Jesus Christ.  And he needs me here on this side doing my part in the temples to help those who have passed on.  HE NEEDS ME. That sung volumes to my needy motherly soul.  HE NEEDS ME. 

I wish he was here to have and to hold, but someday when I do get to behold his face, I know it will all make perfect sense.  And I will be made whole. 

Thank you Mason Alexander for allowing me to be your mother throughout time and all eternity. 

PS.  I miss your FACE.  (That is what I tell the girls when they get home from school)